1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,760 'Contains strong language from the outset.' 2 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:26,040 It's beautiful, isn't it? 3 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,040 Yeah. Yeah, it is. 4 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,360 Yeah. 5 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:35,320 'This is bad. The canal – perfect venue for the emotional bump-off.' 6 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,040 'If I scream, there's no-one to hear.' 7 00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:44,320 'At least she's confident I'm not a potential murderer.' 8 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,320 Listen, Jez, honey, I... 9 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:48,280 I need to talk to you about something. About us. 10 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:55,240 'Here it comes. No blubbing, no garment rending.' 11 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:55,240 Yeah? 12 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,240 Jez, I've got a biggie to ask you. 13 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,640 Would you consider marrying me? 14 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,640 Yes! 15 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:03,960 Obviously it wouldn't be a real wedding. 16 00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,960 No? Oh, right. 17 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,040 Well, in that case... 18 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,040 yes! 19 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:10,440 See, my visa's run out and the Home Office called. 20 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:16,240 I know a coupla gay guys who would be up for it but... 21 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:16,240 Oh, Nancy, don't marry those gays. Marry me. 22 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:22,400 Honey, you understand this would just be an administrative procedure? 23 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,400 Exactly. 24 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:27,880 The happiest administrative procedure of our lives. 25 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,880 Hey, I'm home. 26 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,880 I've got Gladiator on DVD. 27 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:34,400 There's an outtake where this extra gets piked and you can see... 28 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:41,960 Jez, you're cleaning the bathroom. 29 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:41,960 That's right, my friend. 30 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:41,960 'Why?! Sex slavery? Murder clear-up?' 31 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:45,840 See, if it's all right with you, Nancy's moving in. 32 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:50,440 She is? 33 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,440 Mm. As a precursor to us getting married. On Friday. 34 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:56,360 You're getting married?! 35 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:56,360 That's right. 36 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,360 Why? 37 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,360 Well, because we love each other. 38 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,440 Also for visa reasons. 39 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:03,000 What do you want me to do with your toilet books? 40 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,000 Don't you think... 41 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,960 Nancy, isn't she using you... a bit? 42 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,960 Oh, OK, great. Thanks for your show of support, mate 43 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:15,560 I was gonna ask you to be best man but maybe I should ask Super Hans. 44 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:19,600 Well, sure, if that's the way you feel, maybe you should. 45 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:25,960 You're just jealous because you want to get married to Sophie. 46 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:25,960 Jeremy, I'm totally over Sophie. 47 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:32,200 Sure. I suppose that's why you wrote her name on every single egg under the Word Bird. 48 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:40,400 So, Super Hans, what've you been up to? 49 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,560 Long weekend looking into the mirror 50 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,560 Bit of soul-searching, was it? 51 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,560 Cocaine, Mark, cocaine. 52 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:51,280 Fancy a go on the quizzie? Shit some data out of that bunged-up brainbox? 53 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:56,520 I'll do the buttons, you do the answers. 54 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:56,520 I wanted to talk about Nancy. 55 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,640 Yoko? Hello, marriage, goodbye, recording contract. 56 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:06,360 So you agree it's a terrible... 57 00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:06,360 Capital of Indonesia? 58 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,360 Er, Jakarta. 59 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:10,760 Correct. She's got trouble written through her like a stick of rock. 60 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:14,800 So I thought maybe you could tell him you got off with her. 61 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:19,160 Fucking hell, that's a bit strong. Where might you find a dipthong? 62 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:24,600 It's an element of speech. 63 00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:24,600 Where might you find one? 64 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,600 In a word. 65 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:24,600 Good boy. Why don't you do it? 66 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,320 He'd never believe it, whereas you... 67 00:03:27,520 --> 00:03:34,960 You're right, much more believable. Jamie Lee Curtis, born a hermaphrodite – true or false? 68 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,960 Urban myth. 69 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:40,760 I don't wanna come out fighting with just my cock in my hand. Are you gonna back me up? 70 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:45,280 This is for the jackpot. 71 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,280 Of course I'll back you up. 72 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,280 What kind of animal was Rikki Tikki Tavi? 73 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:50,800 A mongoose. 74 00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:50,800 Piss off, he's a little rat. 75 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,800 He was a mongoose. 76 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,800 Rat! Mongoose! 77 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:59,160 See, told you. 78 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:59,160 COINS CLINK 79 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:59,160 But I was in charge of the buttons. I drew a line. You crossed that line 80 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,480 I don't know if you can be trusted in a combat situation. 81 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:12,360 Thanks for sorting me out, Toni. You would not believe how hard it is to get into architecting. 82 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,960 It's practically a closed shop. 83 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,720 Oh, I love this! 84 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:26,280 Yeah, well, I'll take all the phone monkeys I can wrangle. 85 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:26,280 Yeah. It's great though – my own phone, my own space. 86 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:28,480 Might move that to there. 87 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,280 Me, bringing home the bacon for my fiancee. 88 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:37,640 How is the Yank? She started spanking your plank again? 89 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,640 That's not terribly important, Toni. 90 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:43,320 You see, we're very much in love. 91 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:43,320 Jez, I've seen Love Story. I know how it ends, yeah? 92 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,920 Here's a clue – somebody dies. 93 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:51,520 You wanted to meet! You really meant it about being friends? 94 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:57,840 Of course I meant it. How've you been? 95 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,840 Fine, fine. The human being's basic needs are simple – 96 00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:01,440 food, liquid, and the regular release of fluids. 97 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:09,400 Nice. And how's your love life? 98 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:09,400 "Love life" may be a grandiose term for staring at women on the bus. 99 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,400 You need to find someone you like. 100 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,240 Oh, what about her, I know her. 101 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,400 Hi, Karen. 102 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,400 Sophie, be quiet! 103 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:20,760 You like her. 104 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,760 I don't necessarily like her. 105 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,760 Tell her you like her hair. 106 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:26,520 You do realise it's me you're talking to, not an Italian builder? 107 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:26,520 OK, I'll talk to her for you. 108 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,040 Sophie, no! No, Sophie, no, don't! 109 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,680 'Oh, God, this is terrible.' 110 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:37,480 'Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy.' 111 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,480 'Oh, no, she's coming.' 112 00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:42,920 'Must... think... words, funny words.' 113 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:45,960 Hi there. 114 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960 Hi, hi. 115 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,760 Say, isn't it funny, all the... coffee? 116 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:55,640 What's with all the coffee? I'm just gonna go over to my stupid friend 117 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,120 and grrr, give her a good shake. 118 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:03,440 But if you ever want to call me about anything, then I'm in the book. 119 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:07,280 Mark Corrigan. 120 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,280 'Too formal. Lighten things up.' 121 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,200 'Light, not slimy!' 122 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,800 'Ohh, can't retract the wink.' 123 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,840 'Unless...' 124 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,480 See you. 125 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,360 'Brilliant, the twitching freak. Works every time.' 126 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,960 Who needs to go off to Amsterdam paintballing in a go-kart? 127 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:33,840 That is such bullshit. 128 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:33,840 No danger! It's just a load of old mates in the boozer loving it. 129 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,520 Hans, is it perhaps time we had a word with Jeremy? 130 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,920 Oh, yeah. Jez, listen... 131 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,400 Oi, oi, tequila slammers! 132 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,400 Three, two, one, liftoff. 133 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:53,120 Mate, aren't you gonna slam? 134 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,120 I don't drink, it's a Buddhist thing. 135 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,320 What's his name again? 136 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,320 Sam, mate of Darren's. 137 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:01,400 Come on, it's a stag night. You gotta slam. Slam, slam! 138 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:05,640 Slam, slam, slam, slam, slam! 139 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,680 GLASS SHATTERS 140 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:15,360 Ouch. I'm thinking maybe Buddha wasn't too pleased. 141 00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:24,560 When are you gonna say something, Super Hans? 142 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,560 I'm having second thoughts. He seems happy. 143 00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,680 Come on, you said it. She's Yoko. 144 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:32,200 Wahey, guys! Sam's gonna be out in an hour or two so... 145 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:36,160 Night to remember or what? 146 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,160 Yeah. 147 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,760 Jez, there's something I need to tell ya that I didn't wanna tell ya. 148 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,280 Yeah? 149 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,280 Yeah, it's about Nancy. 150 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:47,520 I know you two aren't doing it, 151 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,520 and it must've got to her cos... 152 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,040 the other day, 153 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,040 she sucked me off... 154 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,280 while I was having a widdle. 155 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:58,960 What? 156 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:03,640 Yeah. Not just as, obviously, but, er, right after. 157 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:08,920 I didn't want to – she's into that stuff. It was pretty disgusting. 158 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:13,760 I don't believe you. 159 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:13,760 Seriously. I wouldn't lie about it. 160 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,360 Anyway, Mark saw the whole thing. 161 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:25,480 Mark? 162 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:25,480 Yup. I wouldn't've believed it but I saw the whole darn shooting match. 163 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,960 Really? 164 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960 'Fraid so. Definitely. 165 00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:35,720 Fuck, I can't believe she'd do something like that. 166 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,720 Jez, cheer up, you'll get over her. 167 00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:39,920 How could she do something like that to me? Oh, God. 168 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,280 I love her. 169 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,280 I really love her. 170 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,600 What am I gonna do? 171 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:54,240 You'll have forgotten her in a week. You know what you're like, you idiot. 172 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,080 Everything's turned from gold 173 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,360 into shit. 174 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,560 > 175 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,640 < 176 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,240 Jez? 177 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,240 Yeah? 178 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,360 It-It was... 179 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,800 a joke. 180 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,400 A joke? 181 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,600 Yeah, we... we were joking. 182 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:32,400 She didn't suck his widdle. It was a put-on. 183 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,920 Yeah. We stagged ya. 184 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,040 Good and proper. 185 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,040 Oh, right. 186 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:44,360 Brilliant. Yeah, you fucking... guys. 187 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:50,800 You got me all right. 188 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:50,800 Yeah... Brilliant. 189 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,520 'There he goes, dead man walking.' 190 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,120 'I tried, I failed.' 191 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:06,880 'Got to let him make his own mistakes like Dad did with me and a Strimmer.' 192 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:13,560 She looks lovely, doesn't she? 193 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:13,560 Yeah. 194 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:13,560 Jesus, I didn't realise this was the Nancy Appreciation Society. 195 00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:21,000 Tony, if you'd like to bang her, why don't you just say it? 196 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:21,000 OK. I would like to bang her. 197 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:27,880 Hi, we're here to get married. 198 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,880 Just one thing before we start. 199 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:33,040 To be different, when I'm meant to say "I do," I want to say "Do I!" 200 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:37,760 I'm sorry? 201 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,760 You know, "Do I!" as in "Do I ever!" 202 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:42,840 You should've spoken to someone about this before. 203 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,840 No, but "Do I" as in "Do I!!!" 204 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:48,240 I'm sorry, he's just excited. We're both so happy to be getting married. 205 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,280 'Where's Sophie? She said she'd be here.' 206 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,760 'Don't get hung up, Mark. It's over. Case closed.' 207 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:56,920 Do you take Nancy as your wife 208 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,520 and promise to walk by her side forever 209 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:04,360 as her best friend, her lover and her soul mate? 210 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:09,680 Do I! 211 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,680 Say "I do." 212 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,680 I do. 213 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,160 It was a lovely service, wasn't it? 214 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,800 I know some people go for that country church vibe, 215 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,960 but we were "Who's this wedding for, us or the tourist board?" 216 00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:27,400 Hey, Nance. You've met Auntie Helen. 217 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,400 Hi. Jez, I've got great news. 218 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:32,440 Oh, brilliant, what? 219 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:32,440 The health club called – the receptionist job? 220 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:37,600 I'm underqualified but if I make it there by four they'll consider me. 221 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,600 Oh, OK. 222 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:39,640 You're not going? 223 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:43,040 No, obviously, yeah, you must go. 224 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,760 See you later, Jez. 225 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,760 See you later, Mrs Osborne. 226 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,960 Health club interview. It's a biggie. 227 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,320 Really hope she gets it. 228 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,920 Anyway,... on with the wedding. 229 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:13,000 Jez, you all right? 230 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:13,000 Super Hans has taken four grams of coke to relax him for his speech. 231 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:13,000 It didn't relax him? 232 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,560 Everything's fucked. 233 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,560 Calm down, it's gonna be OK. 234 00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:26,960 Maybe you were right, Mark. This wedding's all wrong. It's against God and man and the rule of law. 235 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,400 Listen, it's your special day, 236 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:36,320 and even if I have to die of anxiety making an off-the-cuff speech, we're gonna keep it special. 237 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,280 TAPS GLASS WITH SPOON 238 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,160 So,... ladies and gentlemen, 239 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:50,840 you'll forgive me, I haven't prepared a proper speech, 240 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:56,120 but then perhaps that's appropriate, since this isn't a proper wedding. 241 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,360 Or so the cynics may say. 242 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,880 But I say to those cynics 243 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:04,320 "Listen, cynics, this is the modern world, 244 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:09,080 and just because it's new and strange and unnerving 245 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,120 doesn't mean it's not brilliant." 246 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,840 In Ancient Rome, they had Cupid. 247 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,320 In modern days, it's the Home Office. 248 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,640 Love is blind. 249 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,480 That's not a joke about David Blunkett. 250 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:31,560 LAUGHTER 251 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,560 No, seriously, I would never make that joke. 252 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,880 So I say to Jeremy and... Where's Nancy? 253 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:39,280 Job interview, health club. It's a biggie. 254 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,520 Oh. OK. 255 00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:45,560 I say to Nancy "Good luck with the interview" 256 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,840 and I say to Jeremy 257 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,200 "Good luck with the marriage." 258 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:55,600 And I think the rest of us can unite in saying "Two fingers to the cynics" 259 00:13:55,600 --> 00:14:00,240 and raising our glasses... to true love. 260 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,440 True love. 261 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,840 And this first number is for Jez and Nancy. 262 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:16,040 I shouldn't have to be a machine in bed just because I meditate. 263 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:19,440 Hey, Mark, how's it going? 264 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,440 Hey, Karen, good. And you? 265 00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:22,960 Good, thanks. 266 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,960 It was good to see you in Gino's. 267 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,200 Got over the twitch, by the way. 268 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:30,800 Next time I have acupuncture I'll get someone else to do it for me. 269 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,800 'Look at me go, I'm charming!' 270 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,800 So sorry if I was acting a bit weird. 271 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:38,000 I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out sometime. 272 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:44,440 That sounds nice. 273 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:44,440 'I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.' 274 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,440 Hey. 275 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:47,640 Sophie! 276 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,640 Sorry I'm late. 277 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:52,200 Are you all right? 278 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,200 Yeah, I'm fine. Just been breaking up with Jeff. 279 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:57,320 Oh, God, Soph, really? 280 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,320 Yeah. It's all actually finally over. 281 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,080 Oh, Soph, I'm sorry, that's terrible. 282 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,480 'That wasn't convincing.' 283 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,480 It's probably for the best. 284 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,000 Anyway, let's get pissed. Bollocks to love! 285 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,800 Bollocks to love! 286 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,800 'Oh, God, I love you so much.' 287 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:16,200 So, you two are getting on well. 288 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,200 Yeah, we just arranged to go out. 289 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,600 Oh, right, great. 290 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:25,680 But why don't you come too, Soph? 291 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:25,680 With the both of you? 292 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:25,680 No, no, obviously, come along with... Sam! 293 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:31,160 This is Sam. 294 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:31,160 Hi. 295 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:31,160 You two have loads in common. Sam's a single Buddhist. 296 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:37,320 Just as long as you know I'm not a Tantric superman. 297 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,320 OK, why the hell not? 298 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:44,040 < Oh, this will be fun. 299 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:44,040 'She's only been single for a few minutes but already you've found her a new boyfriend.' 300 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,360 'Nice work, Mr Fucking Stupid.' 301 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:51,840 Hey, guys? What about if we move this chair from here 302 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,440 over to here? 303 00:15:54,680 --> 00:16:01,640 That would be nice, wouldn't it? 304 00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:01,640 Mark, what do you think? My wife was saying maybe move that to there. 305 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,640 Sure, whatever. 306 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:06,400 Yeah, great one, Nance, brilliant. 307 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:19,120 Nancy, it's nice, your dooby-dooing, but could you wait till this ends? 308 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,920 Do I dooby-doo? I didn't think I did 309 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:27,680 You do. 310 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:27,680 Really? 311 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,680 You do. You were dooby-doing all over the place. 312 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,480 If you think I was, I'll stop. 313 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,560 She definitely was. 314 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,560 I know. We know. 315 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,560 It's OK. We know. 316 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:46,960 So how do you feel it's going, Jez? What do you make of media sales? 317 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:50,720 I feel like every day quite a big part of me dies 318 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,320 forever. 319 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:55,480 Yeah. Still, welcome to the real world. 320 00:16:55,480 --> 00:17:00,040 Yeah. You keep saying that. 321 00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:00,040 So, er,... how's the marriage? 322 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,480 Oh, good. Pretty good. 323 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:06,880 You don't sound 110% there. 324 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,880 No, no, it's brilliant. 325 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,280 Obviously there are sometimes... niggles. 326 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:17,040 Niggles? That doesn't sound good. 327 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:17,040 It's all about compromise. 328 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,040 Compromise, niggles? Jesus, Jez. 329 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:22,320 You don't think... Isn't it normal for there to be little differences? 330 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:28,040 No. What sort of things are niggling? 331 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:28,040 Stupid stuff. What DVDs we watch. 332 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:33,200 Oh, stupid stuff like what you do with your free time. Your life! 333 00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,240 Sounds like you're in a hellhole. 334 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,240 It's true, it is kind of annoying. 335 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:42,280 Last night we had to watch a whole load of Robin Williams' movies. 336 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,280 Oh, Robin Williams? That sap? 337 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,720 She likes him? That is so sappy. 338 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,840 The guy is a stupid little... gherkin 339 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:56,240 and so's anyone who likes him. 340 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:56,240 Yeah. He is a bit like a gherkin. 341 00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,400 You know what you should do? 342 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,400 Get some Jim Carrey DVDs? 343 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,440 Have an affair. 344 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:06,000 What?! 345 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,000 Come on! Welcome to the real world. 346 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:11,560 Can you please stop doing that? 347 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,560 You think people don't have affairs? Everyone does. 348 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:14,960 Mummy, Daddy, me, you,... John Major. 349 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:20,240 No, but... 350 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:20,240 Oh, affairs are great. They're simple and no-one gets hurt. 351 00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:25,280 They're simple? 352 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,280 Sure! As simple as me closing the door. 353 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,280 And then putting my hand down your trousers. 354 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:39,880 And I was like "You don't have to be enlightened to work here but it helps." 355 00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:43,640 'Sophie's eating up his whole Buddhist schtick.' 356 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,360 'Got to stick it out. Keep being charming to Sophie, 357 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:51,080 cold to Karen, without breaking social convention.' 358 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,840 DOOR OPENS 359 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,840 Who's that? 360 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,840 Hello? Jeff? 361 00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:01,240 'Oh, Jesus, don't kill me, I'm not her date. Kill him.' 362 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:08,600 'Actually, that'd be perfect.' 363 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:08,600 You moved on pretty fucking quick. 364 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:08,600 Now's not the time to talk about it. 365 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,600 I've just come to pick up some stuff 366 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:15,000 Don't mind me. 367 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:15,000 'Yeah, right, don't mind the maniac! How are we supposed to not mind him?' 368 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,320 So, er... old question, 369 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,120 but John or Paul, who was the best? 370 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,600 Paul, obviously, but for the sake of argument. 371 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:29,560 That's mine, pal. 372 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:29,560 'Shit. This is just not normal. Someone's gotta do something.' 373 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:34,240 'He's gonna do nothing, like Jeff's the invading Chinese army, 374 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,000 they're... women, that old get-out.' 375 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,400 'Oh, God, it's gotta be me.' 376 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:41,800 Listen, Jeff, 377 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:46,320 I, er,... I think, you know, it's time you left. 378 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,080 Oh, really? 379 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:55,560 And what are you gonna do about it exactly? 380 00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:55,560 What am I gonna do? 381 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,560 'What am I gonna do?!' 382 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,920 Nothing,... except stand here like a civilised man 383 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,160 and wait for you to do the civilised thing and leave. 384 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:14,560 Yeah, well, I'll just be getting some CDs out the bedroom. 385 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:18,440 'Brilliant. Probably looks like I was ready to punch him 386 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:23,040 when actually I was gonna use the Buddhist as a human shield.' 387 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:31,080 Wow, Nance, this is amazing. 388 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:31,080 You've been so sweet putting up with me and my dumb sappy movies. 389 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:36,200 Mom called. She's so pissed we got married I thought she was gonna shit 390 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:40,920 Oh. 391 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,920 But, um... it kinda got me thinking. 392 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:45,400 I mean, although this obviously isn't a real marriage, 393 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,200 it still is a marriage, obviously. 394 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:53,160 I mean, legally, and therefore probably in the eyes of God. 395 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:58,560 But I thought you thought it was just a stupid piece of paper. 396 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,560 It is, but a potentially holy one. 397 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,920 Anyway, I got thinking that those feelings about guilt around sex, 398 00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:09,200 maybe they won't be such a problem any more. 399 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,200 You mean we might start to... 400 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:14,000 'Fuck niggles, she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.' 401 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,400 'Oh, God, why did I... with Toni?' 402 00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,800 'Try and forget. Mash will help.' 403 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,520 'Mash will clog up my brain and make everything OK.' 404 00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:28,240 Oh! You are gonna pay for that! 405 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,240 En garde, monsieur. 406 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,240 PHONE BEEPS 407 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:31,760 'Toni, shit, gotta deal with Toni.' 408 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,560 Um, Nance, I'm really sorry but I've got to go. 409 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,560 Oh. OK. 410 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:41,280 Super Hans is thinking about going back on the crack. 411 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:46,360 I'll get him a Scotch egg. That will usually take his mind off it. 412 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,200 Look, Toni, this is... 413 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,720 wrong. 414 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,720 Why? 415 00:21:55,160 --> 00:22:01,440 Won't Tony be back soon? 416 00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:01,440 Tony's never coming back. 417 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,440 What? 418 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,440 Tony ran for the hills. 419 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:05,960 He's at home in Lincoln getting his tummy rubbed by lovely Mummy. 420 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,960 Shit. 421 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:10,440 But me and Nancy, we're married, and... 422 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,440 Mm. What about me, Jeremy? 423 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:13,040 Where's my lollipop? 424 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:16,320 Why should I have to go without a husband? 425 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:20,080 Where's my piece of pie? The farmer wants a wife, Jeremy. 426 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:27,160 PHONE RINGS 427 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:27,160 Don't answer it. 428 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:27,160 But it's Nancy. 429 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,160 Do you want me to have a chat to her 430 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:29,160 about you and your cock? 431 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,880 God, what a weird one. 432 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,680 I know. 433 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:43,840 So what do you think to Karen? 434 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:43,840 Oh, she's nice. 435 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,840 Great. 436 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,840 Really nice. 437 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,200 She just... isn't... 438 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,640 Isn't what? 439 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,640 You. 440 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:12,800 'Public humiliation. Welcome to my world, Jeff.' 441 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:17,800 'Although personally I wouldn't've picked that dress to cry on.' 442 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,560 Hey, Jez. Hey, Nance. 443 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,200 Hey, Mark. Oh, there you go, hubby. 444 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,520 How'd it go tonight? 445 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,520 Ooh, pretty darn well! 446 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:39,040 Nearly, really nearly, finally got it together with Soph. 447 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,040 Excellent. 448 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,520 Oh, yes! Now it's coming together, my friend. 449 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:48,680 Look at you with your beautiful American wife and me with my lovely maybe girlfriend. 450 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:54,840 We should get a couple of tandems and go to the Pyrenees and pick grapes or some crazy thing. 451 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,200 Oh, Jez, could you sleep on the couch? 452 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,280 I'm on my way to see Metallica 453 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:06,000 and I've taken a coupla Es so I'm gonna start feeling pretty horny 454 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:10,720 and if I meet somebody, we'll wanna come back and bone. 455 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:12,720 So I'll need the bed. 456 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,120 Later. 457 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,120 See you later. 458 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,600 Oh, by the way, we need milk. Later, Mark. 459 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,600 Er, OK, later. 460 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,920 'Metallica,... milk?' 461 00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:28,120 Is everything all right? 462 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,640 I had an affair with Toni by mistake 463 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,760 and Nancy found out because I told her. 464 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:36,960 Why? 465 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:40,320 Because of stupid honesty. 466 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,360 And now we're going to stay married 467 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:48,480 but apparently our relationship is nothing more than a husk. 468 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,680 A husk? 469 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,880 That doesn't sound good. 470 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:57,640 Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, 471 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:03,160 she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before? 472 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,920 Honestly? 473 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,240 Quite honestly, 474 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:12,240 not brutally honestly. 475 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,120 Then,... yeah, absolutely. 476 00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:21,960 Cheers, mate. 477 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,960 No problem, mate. 478 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,480 Intelfax Subtitles MEREDITH R D JONES